Nine years ago my life and ministry made a significant downward turn. I knew something was going to change several months prior, but it was unclear how that change was going to play out. When January 2016 ended, so did a 16-year ministry with a church I had loved. The church and leadership had been through several years of turmoil and slow decline. The last two of those years had been the most challenging as nearly half the members pulled out creating a financial crisis. Several of the staff, myself included, had to be let go. It was my first experience with losing a job. But it was more than that for me.
I suffered the loss of many friends and if I were honest, a loss of identity. I was proud to serve a church where I was called on to teach and preach, shepherd and counsel its members, and much of my identity was built on my ability to do these things and see positive results.
So losing my position wasn’t only tough financially, but so hard for me from a personal standpoint. I knew I had worked hard to build a good reputation but even that was damaged in the process. I was hurt, depressed and beyond angry with the situation. I tried looking for other ministry positions but the truth was I was just not ready. This was a time to heal. I began working for a Christian counseling agency in the area but was only making a fraction of the income I had been making. With two children in college we were making ends meet but it was a stressful time. Our youngest was still at home, in her junior year of high school, and we didn’t want to uproot and move at that time for her sake either. So, we waited, worked, and went about our lives trying to remain positive. That was no easy task. We found some healing in a new community of believers and I started seeing a therapist to work through my pain.
My grief journey took a completely different path 16 months later when my father died suddenly from an accident that could have easily been avoided. Dad lost control of his heavily loaded dump truck which he had been driving with a bad front tire. The tire blew and his truck left the road and crashed into a block building killing him instantly. By God’s grace, no one else was injured. And I’m forever grateful that my father knew Jesus and I will see him again. But we were not ready for Dad to leave us.
What followed were months of grief and frustration as some members of my family could not accept the changes that Dad’s passing brought on. Our home and farm as well as my father’s trucks and tools were sold. These were only things but they represented a lifetime of hard work and care and of course many precious memories for my family. There was no “home” to go home to. I remember waves of grief could wash over me in a moment when I’d see a pickup or dump trunk resembling Dad’s. I still experience those waves of grief today though not nearly as many nor as intense.
I realize my grief and suffering will pale in comparison to what others have experienced or may be experiencing now. Loss can be brutal. Suffering can leave us confused and bitter. Rational explanations for our pain may make intellectual sense, but they seldom provide emotional relief.
Recently reading Job’s story I was reminded of the challenges and pitfalls of Job’s grief, his indescribable loss, and how his friends tried to “comfort” him. They ultimately accused him of doing wrong, of committing some great sin. It made no sense to Job, a righteous man, to have experienced such incomprehensible loss. He demanded God show up and explain why these things had happened. You and I may feel the same. We want answers too. We may never fully understand why bad things happen to us or to those we love, because we cannot see God’s higher purposes. Time does NOT heal all wounds either. But walking in faith and taking our pain to God and others is how we heal over time. The truth is, in grief, we don’t need answers nearly as much as we need God’s presence and the presence of supportive friends.
My losses and my suffering did not always make sense to me. I wanted things to be different. I wanted those who acted wrongly to take responsibility. I wanted others to know I did nothing to deserve being let go. I wanted to hear my father’s voice on the phone. I wanted to see him again. I didn’t get what I wanted. I did get what I needed. God met me in my pain and he reminded me of my true identity in Christ. I found comfort from God and others who invested in my recovery. I found that ministry could take on many forms and I gave myself to whatever God presented for me to do. Over time I found that my wounds were not only healing but I could be more empathic, more compassionate toward others especially those struggling with loss.
Life does make sense when we accept that pain is inevitable. Jesus said, “In this world, you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” (John 16:33) Pain is inevitable, but misery is optional. My sincere hope is that when we experience grief, we will remember the One who has overcome it all and remember that He is with us through it all.
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