I freaked out when I turned 30. I felt behind. I felt old. I felt alone. And people said to me, “I loved my 30’s” or, “My 30’s have been so fun!” Without fail, these people all had families with young children. Which, truthfully, totally sounds like fun. I believe them. But that isn’t my situation.
I’m halfway through my 30’s this year and not much has changed. I’m freaking out again. I feel more behind. I feel more old. I feel more alone.
And when I talk about loneliness, I’m not speaking romantically. There was a meme floating around for a while that said something to the effect of, “The greatest miracle Jesus ever did was have 12 close friends in his 30’s.” Very funny and all too relatable.
This is hard to write, because I’m projecting onto you that you’re reading this with either pity or dismissiveness; that you think my singleness or loneliness or fear is my own fault and that I’m not doing enough to work my way out of it. I’m sure that’s my own insecurity. You probably don’t actually think that, but let me push back against my idea of you for just a second anyway.
I’ve done all the things. I serve here at Christ’s Church, I’ve joined small groups, I’ve tried to force people to be friends with me, I’ve dated, I’ve gone to counseling, I do social things with people from work, I’ve tried being in community with people who are 10 years younger than me but are also single, and I’ve tried being in community with people my age who spend most of their time serving their families (very well, I might add).
And many of those people are my friends. They’re people I adore. But I think we all know that having friends and feeling embedded in community aren’t exactly the same thing. There are 72 non-sleeping, non-working hours in a week. To me, the difference between having friends and being in deep community is the amount of effort it takes to spend those 72 hours in a way that is relationally and socially fulfilling.
Ever since I moved here over seven years ago, even though I have great friends, the idea of community has felt just out of reach for me. And, yeah, there has been a lot working against me over the course of those seven years: COVID isolation, traveling 80 days a year for work, not living near family.
Plus, I’m simply different than most people. I bet you’d have to struggle to name 5 single people in their 30’s who don’t have kids. It’s nobody’s fault. Community is just hard.
So what is Jesus saying to me in this season?
“I am enough.” Nope, definitely not that. Even before the fall, God recognized our need for intimate community with other people like us. “It is not good that man should be alone” was not a consequence of sin. It’s how we were created.
So not that. But what IS he saying?
“Everything happens for a reason.” Just… no.
Not that. Any more layers to this onion? Any other misconceptions I have of Jesus that I need to peel away?
“You’re idolizing community.” Maybe? But I truly don’t think that defines Jesus’ disposition towards me. The Bible talks extensively about the holiness of community – that it is a godly thing to pursue. So another miss.
What I think he’s actually saying to me during this time is, “I see you. I get it.” It was prophesied that the Messiah would be despised by men and acquainted with grief. He would be a man of sorrows.
That’s true for me in this season. It’s true for you in whatever season of suffering you’re in, too.
Hebrews says that Jesus, our risen High Priest, “Understands our weaknesses, for he faced all of the same testings we do, yet he did not sin. So let us come boldly to the throne of our gracious God. There we will receive his mercy, and we will find grace to help us when we need it most.”
Kind of a bait-and-switch here, but this isn’t actually even about loneliness. It’s not about community either. It’s not even obscurely about the heaviest burdens you carry. It’s about a sympathetic savior. It’s about Christ, who in the midst of my loneliness, can sit with me and say with complete honesty, “I get it, man.”
And if I wake up tomorrow not feeling alone, praise Jesus. But regardless, whatever test comes next, he will be ready for me, having suffered it, having endured it, having overcome it, to say, “I got through this, and I’m gonna sit with you until you get through it, too.”
Brad Warren
Brad is a part of our Christ’s Church family and serves as the Church Relations Manager at one of our Impact Partners, Christ In Youth.
